Q: Does God exist?
A: No.
Q: Heaven?
A: Nope.
Q: So, when grandma died, where did she go?
A: To the Springfield Cemetery off Rt. 109.
Q: But in Sunday School we learn....
A: Do you want the facts or some secret underpants mumbo jumbo? The universe exists and scientists cannot at this time tell you how matter or energy was created. Some people think this means there had to have been a supernatural creator. These people call themselves creationists and they use test tubes and scientific sounding footnotes to demonstrate that they do not understand a single thing about the scientific method. Smart people, on the other hand, opt out from the unprovable belief in all things supernatural and so they get to sleep in on Sunday mornings instead of going to church at the ghastly hour of 8 in the morning. Now, pipe down and let daddy sleep.
Q: Does the Easter bunny exist?
A: That's a big N-O.
Q: What about angels, or Elmo, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy,Supeman, Zeus, Lego Batman, or Mickey Mouse?
A: You are really striking out here today, kid.
Q: If God does not exist, why do we celebrate Christmas again?
A: Daddy NEEDS a plasma screen TV this year. Creating a holiday in which your mother's love for your father is measured by our credit card bill is the only way that is going to happen. Besides, if we didn't have Christmas, many, many Chinese toddlers would not have a paycheck this winter.
Q: Where did I come from?
A: The hospital. They had some spare babies leftover after a big sale so we picked you up cheap.
(Alternative answer if the child lives in West Virginia: You popped into the world in the backseat of a 1983 Dodge. Now shut up and bring daddy another beer.)
(Alternative answer redux if your overprotected child is asking this for the first time at age 15: You came from your mother's vagina after she ate some bad Thai food. Now go back to your room and finish your homeschooling homework while I finish making your clothes by hand.)
Q: If I did not choose to be born, will I be responsible for my choices in life?
A: You will be responsible for cleaning your room once a week until you leave home bound for the military or prison, and you can bet your ass on that.
Q: If there is no hell and no eternal punishment, can I get away with anything?
A: You can't. Only Wall Street bankers and tax-avoiding billionaires can.
Q: Will I ever die?
A: Yep.
Q: Why is there suffering in the world?
A: There is just no good answer to this one. Some suffering is self-inflicted and it is simply a selfish waste of energy and time. Other times it is a noble measuring stick for determining how much you have striven toward your goals. And sometimes you have to prove to your wife that you like to do the things she likes to do, such as watching Dancing with the Stars...it's just something you have to get through.
Q: How long will I be dead after I die?
A: Forever, and that's a mighty long time, so make sure all of your library books are returned before you head toward the light.
Q: If there is no afterlife, does that mean that all of life was meaningless?
A: No. That is the central tennet of nihilism. Existentialism, on the other hand, is the idea that you are here, you exist, so you will be responsible for finding meaning in your life. Besides, it might take billions of years for our sun to go nova, turning every idea and descendant you left behind to be turned into a vaprous cinder, and billions more before the entire universe is one constant lifeless static cube of nothing thanks to entropy. So relax, you big baby.
Q: What if the only things that gives my life meaning are watching bad movies on You-Tube, making endless pop cultural references to Star Wars, and consuming $5 coffees at Starbucks?
A: Whatever floats your boat.
Q: But, but, but...what if I ultimately hate the choices I have made in my life...or I am too filled with angst to move toward any goal in my attempt to find meaning?
A: Say, you're using some pretty big words for a toddler.
Q: Seriously. Can you answer the question?
A: Sigh, alright. The risk of doing nothing worthwhile, or of finding no worthwhile meaning in life after aiming for a goal is a risk we all take. The idea that you can conceive of the self-induced paralysis of not wanting to make a bad choice and waste your one verifiable life means that you are maturing philosophically, but someday you will understand that the search and struggle for meaning might itself be the goal. Don't forget that the alternative, going with the flow and adopting your parents' religious beliefs unquestioningly by proxy or by osmosis while sitting around eating chocolate Easter bunnies until you are in a diabetic coma is a choice as well. Plus too much chocolate makes you fat, so, you know....I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Q: Is life absurd?
A: Well, it makes more sense than Transformers 2 did.
